Tired

I'm tired. It's really the only way to describe how I am these days. I'm not physically tired, per se. I was laid of at the end of February, and haven't been able to find a job that could support my family yet. I still have 9 weeks of unemployment left, then if I don't have a job by then, I'm pretty much screwed. What I am tired of is this: looking and not finding anything. Or finding something so promising, yet I'm both so broke because I can't afford gas to get there and not wanting to give up interviews I've already had set up for the possibility that I might be good enough for the great opportunity. The opportunity is a masonry apprenticeship in Seattle. I can start the pre-job training on July 17, if my wife even lets me, which sounds like it's not even a possibility. It sucks being both broke and only having one car. Hell, if I had a small commuter car that got great gas mileage I would be able to jump at this possibility. But as I do not have a small commuter car and our one car is the only way that my wife and kids can get anywhere, and she would need use of the car to take them to doctor's appointments, fun trips, etc. I'm screwed. I really want to just get out of the house and hit a few baseballs as hard as I possibly can, just to smash something. I'm just so freaking frustrated right now with everything. My kids drive me crazy and I really don't want to be in the house at all but I don't have a choice. I need to do laundry (which I can only do at my parents house because we can't afford the coins for the laundry here), but I can't because either something always comes up or Bethany doesn't want to be left in the house all day with the babies and makes me feel bad about it. I can't do dishes at any time unless the babies are sleeping because I'm made to feel bad about ignoring the babies. And even when I do try to do the dishes when they're sleeping, I'm made to feel bad by "ignoring" the rest of my family. I know I'm ranting. I know that writing all this down will pretty much do nothing to solve anything. I just want to do something that doesn't involve job hunting or chasing after little toddlers making sure they don't get into stuff they shouldn't. Whatever. It's my life. Fuck it.

Just Kill Me

Those who have struggled with depression know the feeling all too well of hitting rock bottom. And tonight it's definitely happened to me. I actually said to myself "Just kill me" and actually thought my family would be better off without me. Actually, I thought the whole world would be better off without me. And the sad part is, I still believe that.

Worrying

Worrying is sometimes a very contagious thing. Especially when it comes to children. When something bad happens and a parent has to take their child to the emergency room, it can be nerve-wracking. It could be nothing, but sometimes, especially when the other parent isn't around when it happens, they start to worry.
"Could it be something serious? Is my child really hurt?"

Questions like this start to race in their mind, and although they know in their heads that it's probably going to be just fine, they can't help but worry.

I have to admit, I'm a bit of a worrier. When I get a call that Kaylee is going to the ER, even if it's just a precaution, I start to worry. And that happened today. She hit her head pretty hard on the edge of a table and has a pretty good sized bump on her head, so Bethany, her mother, is taking her to the ER to make sure she doesn't have a concussion.

So what do I do? I start to worry, of course. I start wishing I was there to go with them to the ER. I worry that she has a concussion, and because I don't know how bad that reallly can be, I start to worry about what it means when a three year old child gets a concussion. I don't even know what the dangers, or lack thereof, of a concussion are. So, of course, I worry.

Of course, in the back of my mind I know there isn't really any reason to worry. I know that God is in control. And yet, that's something I still struggle with day-to-day. Giving up control that really wasn't mine to begin with.

I know that God is in control, and that he has plans for me. And I know that those plans include hope and a future. But sometimes I get the nagging feeling that something incredibly bad is going to happen.

I know it sounds kind of weird, but this is sometimes the way my mind thinks: My life up till now has been so blessed, that I get the feeling that something horrible is going to happen to me, just to even things out. Crazy, I know. I suppose it's just the devil coming in and trying to stop me from enjoying life now and instead to fear for the future.

Actually, this pretty much directly corresponds with what the sermon was today...

A man's heart is kind of like a house that's on the market, waiting for someone to come on in and live there. If the demons come in, they're wreck your house. But if your house is filled up with the Holy Spirit, it's already occupied. But the devil knows all the tricks and will try anything to get in and wreck the place. If he can't get in the front door, maybe he'll try to get in thorugh an upstairs window or a basement cellar door. But if you are continually renewed and transformed by the Holy Spirit, and filled with it all the time, then it's like there are padlocks on every door and window.

So I guess this is one area where the devil's trying to get in through the window.

Instead of worrying my mind out, I think I'm gonna read my Bible and pray to God to help me when I worry and fill me with his special brand of peace that passes all understanding.

((edit))
Well, it turns out that she was just fine and no signs of concussion, just a nice sized bump on her head. So she's just fine. :) I'm going to read my Bible anyway though.